Milk

Overcast, but promising sun.

I looked down last night in bed to discover that I was leaking MILK! After checking with Dr Google that this is within the bounds of normal for 4ish months pregnant, (it is), I feel ridiculously proud! Hollie says it's just one more sign of being 'one big bundle of hormones'. Whatever the reason, I'm so happy to be leaking, not vomiting. This has been the best week in the last 3 months. I've spent three days at the farm with Joey and Helen making garden beds, got sunned at a picnic with Cath who is 6 weeks ahead of me in her pregnancy and slept through the night for the first time since the nausea started. I can't wait to go home to clean and fuss and garden and relax in the last few days before school starts again. 

Recovery...?

Windy and grey, but not cold.

I'm in an armchair at Joey and Helen's place. The school holidays are finally here and at 14 weeks, I think, hope, that the morning sickness is easing. 

The last eight weeks have been some of the hardest I've ever had. I have certainly never felt so sick for so long before, and the confusion and anxiety over why the vomiting is so bad, how simple nausea can be so utterly miserable and defeating, what to do about work when I can't go more than half an hour without needing to lie down or retch uselessly again. Being so nauseous feels like being squeezed by something all over - it's so oppressive and all encompassing. 

In addition, at week 8 I bled dramatically- a huge gush that couldn't seem like anything but miscarriage. Except that it wasn't and two (long, long) days later we got to see the little creature wriggle on screen at the hospital. I felt tremendous relief, not because it was still alive but because it meant all the sickness hadn't been for nothing. At the same time I was disappointed in no small way, a miscarriage would have meant the nausea would stop - a measure I guess of how sick and beaten I felt, given that this baby is so wanted, so planned, so longed for.

Right now the little creature is 9cm long and kicking, sucking, swallowing, rolling over, waving and smiling away in there. We saw it again at 13 weeks and it has utterly changed my feeling about the pregnancy. I feel like that's my BABY in there now. I like to know that even though I can't feel it yet, it can feel me.